How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
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The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Spotted in New Orleans.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
This was my dad’s browser history.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.