How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
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*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.