How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
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we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.