Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
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[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
the best thing i’ve ever made
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to