How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
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*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.