@U_Want_Shum_M8: How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
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@lovstructionist: Interviewer: what's your greatest weakness? Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that! *walls fall over revealing secret lab*
@JimGaffigan: "Today I'm just going to wear pajamas all day." - Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
@tweetarded1: Officer: "didn't you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?" Me: "yes I did officer. But this isn't my car"
@garthinkingcap: Throughout history they've removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah "Loofifer."