Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
You Might Also Like
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.