How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
You Might Also Like
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]