How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
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[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
The options really are this bad
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these