How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
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I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.