@SCbchbum: How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
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@dshack8: Wife: We get 1 "cheat meal" on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want? Me: The waitress. …And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
@Book_Krazy: "Last call for flight 254" [Runs to gate] "You barely made it" [out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I'm a vegan
@bazecraze: Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
@kwkorpi: My dog just winked at me, and now I'm wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.