How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
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I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
tourist season
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”