How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
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My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread