How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
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6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely