How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
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I don’t think my car can fly
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.