@robdelaney: How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife's birthday presents there before she left me.
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@omerwahaj: What's the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
@boring_as_heck: SATAN: I will tempt you into leaving the desert JESUS: Oh yeah I can't wait to get back to the place where everyone hates me and has leprosy
@leechee420: Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
@daemonic3: [helping kid w/math] What is 0.1 as a fraction? "One tenth?" Good, now what does 10% mean? "Battery low, plug in your phone?" Perfect