@robdelaney: How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife's birthday presents there before she left me.
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@Im_Tricia: I wish there was a way to tell if this guy is being nice to me because he likes me or if it's just because he's Canadian.
@UncleBob56: Wife: What's your fantasy? Me: It involves your mom. W: Your disgusting! M: W: What is it? M: I always wished she'd taught you how to cook.
@Barknado69: Me: why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie Surgeon: wtf M: he was too far out man S: how are you still awake we heavily sedated you
@elle91: [Interview] Boss: What's your greatest strength? Me: I'm a risk taker B: Can you give an example? M: *Passionately kisses boss* B: omg