How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
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I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…