@robdelaney: How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife's birthday presents there before she left me.
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@Mikestanley1: [pulls up after first date] Me: well, this is my place Her: a bouncy house? Me: you expected a bouncy castle? IM SORRY "YOUR MAJESTY."
@5hael: I think I'm a genius.... I just solved a rubiks cube so fast! It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
@RdrJay47: Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing? Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn't know, it's french.
@lisaxy424: [a person with cold hands] DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE [a dog with cold paws] POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT