How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
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Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Your secret is safeish with me
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
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