How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
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Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap