How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
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When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Just a reminder, folks:
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick