{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
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[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.