How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
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I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas