How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
You Might Also Like
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I’m not lazy
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.