Practicing safe sax
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One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!