How did we not see this back then?
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If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?