How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
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New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
How do horror writers compete with current events?
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes