Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
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can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.