i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
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“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.