Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
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{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.