“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
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Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers