@david8hughes: How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist's knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That's good.
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@leechee420: Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let's take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: It's not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t. Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t. 4: Want to trade?
@WilliamRodgers: My buddy's PRETTY drunk... So I took the car key off of his keychain... He's been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
@LaziestCanine: [on intercom] Pilot: does anyone know how to land an airplane? asking for a friend, i swear