How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
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I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
liiiiiiiiike
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Oh, I bet you would be
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential