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@DanMentos: "How did your grammar competition go?"
@maisonwithapen: ME: hey guys what's the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what's the itch?—I mean sitch
M: hows it herpin?
M: I have herpes
@yenniwhite: As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I'm a mom and I'm like, Oh. OK.
@Hurly_Burly: Psychologist: Let's play a word association game. I'll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
@llvvzz: Twitter: "Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican"
@pauleggleston: A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.