“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
You Might Also Like
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
<- sleeps well with others
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.