How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
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Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.