How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
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GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November