If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
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Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
dutch so unserious
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
5 ways to appear taller