Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
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gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
HOW DARE YOU
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.