@causticbob: How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
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@lgbk44: Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
@TheBoydP: If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she's told me I forgot...
@Carbosly: Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
@shutupmikeginn: Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they're just taking pictures of it