@causticbob: How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
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@XplodingUnicorn: My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
@brynnester: [Restaurant] Waiter: Would Sir care to choose his lobster? Me: There's only 1 in the tank & he's holding a sign that says 'I have a family'
@HousewifeOfHell: The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn't allowed to leave the yard.