How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
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5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Awwwww shit.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
🤣🤣
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”