How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
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No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
this chia pet tastes awful
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!