I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
You Might Also Like
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
This guy’s not having it 😆
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
🙅🏻
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack