@VerifiedJayy: How do Amish guys know if its a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
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@JessObsess: I tell people I'm narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they're talking to me I don't seem rude.
@flashember: YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe. ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
@TheGladStork: When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.