[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
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Holy moly
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
very niche meme I made
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.