@imdaintyaf: How do animals in children's books always have nicer houses than mine when they don't have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
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@Stellacopter: Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I'd be like cool I'm going home to eat.
@JennyPentland: Maybe stop asking 20yo beauty queens how to solve problems the government hasn't even been able to figure out in 200 years?
@KKBowls: Instead of politely knocking on the bathroom door, my kid attacks the door like a rookie DEA agent on his first raid
@ilovepie84: I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match