@imdaintyaf: How do animals in children's books always have nicer houses than mine when they don't have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
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@ComedicBust: Me: Ugh, there's always issues with the wifi! Mexican grandfather: When I was 6, I fought a pack of wolves crossing the border to America.
@primawesome: *Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean* Crowd: Yay!!! Aquman: Dude...
@DaddyJew: My first day as a cat burglar, Victim: you know you don't actually have to dress up like a cat when you do this Me: *hisses
@iwearaonesie: me: Should I pack condoms? wife*laughs* me*driving* wife*still laughing* me*checks into the hotel* wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*