@SamGrittner: How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
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@elle91: Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won't stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
@CornOnTheGoblin: [pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]... the teenage mutant ninja turtles
@longwall26: It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims' hands into turkeys this time of year.
@Marlebean: I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under, until my phone got stuck under my bed.