How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
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Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.