How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
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Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Monica just destroyed the internet
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.