How do German people not choke to death when they talk
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My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!