How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
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If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Are we there yet?…
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk