how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
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*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
From my Mom
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard