My daily affirmation
You Might Also Like
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Get in loser we’re going crying
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.