How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
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I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Yeah. This was me today.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..