How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
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a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.