How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
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first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Damn he played himself
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.